Ugh, still haven't heard back on the job. It's so hard to sit with the not knowing. I'm feeling relatively calm, but a bit of sadness rooted in frustration. This all revolves around the trying self, trying to make it right, trying to make it okay, so I can be okay. And then it's an illusion. Because it's all just here, in this moment. The grasping to control the future takes so much energy and brings so much pain. But I just keep doing it again and again. The beauty may be in the grasping but I haven't quite gotten to the point where I can really appreciate that.
So back to the job. Waiting patiently. I may have a place to live, but it lacks a heater. It has a wood stove, and I would have to buy a space heaters. It's a small house, all for me. 2 small bedrooms. The appeal has been it would allow me to get in the dirt and do a bit of gardening. There is a bit of yard space on the side of the house, and I'm dying to get my hands in the dirt. I also like the idea of living a slightly rugged existence with a wood stove; however, I may feel otherwise after the initial romanticism wears off. I've been perusing old Sunset magazines, with dreams of creating a cozy space of my own.
On another note: Today I had a dysfunctional father tell me that one day I will be a good mother. It was interesting, all the assumptions. He had no idea of my history. He had no idea--maybe I'm already a mother? Was it because of my naked ring finger? And it always brings up feelings for me. Will I be a good mother? Will I practice the skills that I work so hard to emphasize with parents---like actually listening to your kid?! And a bit of fear creeps in...what if I make the same mistakes? It's all so easy as an outsiders, free of the emotional charge. Witnessing the dynamics of the family and intervening in patterns that have oftentimes persistent for years. But what happens when you're in the pattern? Do you have the self-awareness to know?
Soundtrack: Todd Hannigan, "Thicker"
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