Mama's Day

It's 5:15am on Mother's Day, and I have a bit of insomnia.  I'm in one of my high energy-big planning modes, so all sorts of things are running through my head.  But I'm still deeply contented.  The birds are chirping outside. as the day begins to unfold slowly, as Sundays hopefully do.

My mother and my Nana (grandma) are in town.  Yesterday I gave them the grand tour of mighty Bishop, and they loved it, with repeated "ohhhhsss" and "ahhhs" at the way the mountains here are dynamically picturesque with the shifting sunlight.  It was a special time, with two very special people in my life.  Both my mother and my grandmother and very different from me.  Homebodies by nature, with an inclination to be fearful and tentative to try new things--yet they have been some of my most adamant supporters of my life adventures.  When moving here to Bishop came on the radar, they were behind me one-hundred percent.  It astounds me that two women who have essentially followed a path of safety and stability, can be so supportive of someone else's dramatic geographic shifts and life trajectories.

Some special words about my mom:  she is so stubborn.  Although I have tended to attribute my athletic abilities to my dad, I think I I've been selling my mom short.  Half of the challenge is oftentimes having the determination to stick something out, and I think I get that from my mom.  Although it doesn't show up as athleticism in her case, my mom is one stubborn cookie in every other area in her life.  And I admire that about her.

So here's to you mom!

Soundtrack:  School of Seven Bells,  Face to Face On High Places

Off my center

I can tell I'm a bit disconnected from my sense of self these days.  I'm really tired.  I think the stress of looking for work, making plans to move, long 5 hour drives, and working at a psychiatric hospital is catching up with me.  I'm not getting enough nourishing time.  In recent conversations with friends I've been struggling to communicate clearly, fumbling over words and making vague disconnected statements.  I feel like I'm also not saying what I really mean, I don't trust my voice when I feel like this, so I tend to just keep everything neutral and agreeable.  It just feels blah.  I don't like it, because I know it isn't me.  I need to rejuvenate, and I know rest is a big part of that.  It's 9pm and I'm already in bed.  I want to feel good again.  Alive and healthy.  I haven't worked out in a few days, and that always throws me off.  Time to get running....

Big changes on the horizon.  Trying to trust it.  

 Soundtrack:  Nick Drake, Pink Moon   

Thanks Bob

So as luck would have it, I was offered a full-time position in Ventura, right at the time I was taking a step towards a commitment to the job in Bishop.  Crap.  The decision was excruciating, but I just made the call and turned it down.  It may have been insane of me to do so, it was a great offer with a great organization. Yet pursuing the position in Bishop just feels right on some strange unexplainable level.  I'm scared to death; another big change.  But for some reason I feel like this is something I am supposed to do right now.  I want to build a life here.  I don't know what it will look like, but I'm willing to give it a shot.  As my good friend reminded me last night--it's okay to be scared.  My goal now is to lean into the fear, to get cozy and embrace it.  I'm on the brink of a major change, so of course there's fear and uncertainty, it's how I relate to it that makes me suffer or not.  The more I resist, the more it persists.  As my favorite Psychotherapist and spiritual teacher often says: invite the fear to tea.  Look it in the eye, and be with it.  You will ultimately learn much more about yourself in the process.     

 Soundtrack:  Bob Dylan,  Don't Think Twice, it's Alright  

Life is Beautiful

Today was such a magnificently awesome day.  I went for a ride up to Ojai and back down into Ventura.  The light was beautiful, the hills were green and lush, plants were blooming everywhere, amazing.  I didn't bring my ipod with me, and I'm really grateful for that as it allowed me to really be present for the world around me.  When I'm plugged in, I'm not fully appreciating awareness with my other senses.  It's all about the music.  But today was different.  I didn't go fast. I just went.  And it felt great.

Afterwards, I grabbed a big coffee and cleaned up before meeting up with Ceal and Kevin for lunch at our favorite little mexican joint.  A veggie tostada and two perfect margaritas later I was a very happy lady.  Then what to do next?  We went down to C-street to check out the waves, and Kevin proposed that today was the day to get me on a board.  I was a little buzzed and seriously stoked at this opportunity.  So we went back to their place, loaded up and headed to Mondo's (a good place for a beginner like myself).  Kevin was a great teacher, and being in the water was incredible.  A pod of dolphins even cruised by! :-)  I was riding a monster board that was perfect for learning.  I gained more and more confidence, but struggled with getting up, as my arms were just so weak.  I haven't been working out my upper body at all, so this was a serious wake up call for me.  Towards the end of our time out there, my arms became total noodles.  I could barely paddle.  However, on my last wave coming in I stood up for the first time!  It was certainly short lived, but I was still totally psyched.  I don't care what anyone says---it's important to be excited about things.  And this was exciting! :-)  Such a great day.  It makes me seriously reconsider moving away from the ocean to Bishop (if the opportunity presents itself).  My thought is I plan on coming down for weekend visits, so hopefully I can get in the water and start to get a little better.

So now I lay here, thinking about my future.  Thinking about all the great stuff to come.  I'm so grateful for my wonderful life and friends.  There's always something we would like to be different about our lives, but in general most of us have it pretty good.  It's important to really savor those good days.  That's what it's all about.  Just delighting in the present experience.  That pretty much sums up what today taught me.  

Good night.

Soundtrack:  The Droge and Summers Blend, "Two of the Lucky Ones"

The not knowing self

Ugh, still haven't heard back on the job.  It's so hard to sit with the not knowing.  I'm feeling relatively calm, but a bit of sadness rooted in frustration.  This all revolves around the trying self, trying to make it right, trying to make it okay, so I can be okay.  And then it's an illusion.  Because it's all just here, in this moment.  The grasping to control the future takes so much energy and brings so much pain.  But I just keep doing it again and again.  The beauty may be in the grasping but I haven't quite gotten to the point where I can really appreciate that.

So back to the job.  Waiting patiently.  I may have a place to live, but it lacks a heater.  It has a wood stove, and I would have to buy a space heaters.  It's a small house, all for me.  2 small bedrooms.  The appeal has been it would allow me to get in the dirt and do a bit of gardening.  There is a bit of yard space on the side of the house, and I'm dying to get my hands in the dirt.  I also like the idea of living a slightly rugged existence with a wood stove; however, I may feel otherwise after the initial romanticism wears off.  I've been perusing old Sunset magazines, with dreams of creating a cozy space of my own.    

On another note:  Today I had a dysfunctional father tell me that one day I will be a good mother.  It was interesting, all the assumptions.  He had no idea of my history.  He had no idea--maybe I'm already a mother?  Was it because of my naked ring finger?  And it always brings up feelings for me.  Will I be a good mother?  Will I practice the skills that I work so hard to emphasize with parents---like actually listening to your kid?!  And a bit of fear creeps in...what if I make the same mistakes?  It's all so easy as an outsiders, free of the emotional charge.  Witnessing the dynamics of the family and intervening in patterns that have oftentimes persistent for years.  But what happens when you're in the pattern?  Do you have the self-awareness to know?

Soundtrack:  Todd Hannigan, "Thicker" 

Waiting for Harvest

Anxiety is brewing.  I've been acting out some of my well-worn manifestations of anxiousness:  Waking up at odd hours (i.e. now), talking without pause, constant motion and distraction, thinking I need to be doing something.  It's uncomfortable and frustrating--I feel like I "should" know how to cope better by now. The Taurus in me is kicking around, begging for some semblance of stability.  I'm hoping to hear back from Inyo County in the next few days, but I'm feeling anxious about it.  I want to move things forward, and it's taking all my patience to pause and just be with what is.  

Yesterday I did my first trail race.  25k with 2900 feet of climbing.  It was very challenging, but I felt good about the outcome, and I'm eager to do another one with a little more training.  I'm certainly not a natural runner, but running has always been a part of my life.  I feel free when I'm running; I use it as a coping mechanism and escape.  It brings me back into balance, which these days I desperately need.  

Soundtrack:  Yeasayer,  "Tightrope"  

Bishop Dreams

I'm standing at the crux of a major transition in my life, once again.  It's both exciting and scary.  The unknowns are running through my head.  The fear of the uncertain, the unsettled.  But that part of me that knows, just knows.  If the opportunity presents itself (I'll know in the next week), I'll be bound for Bishop, California, at the foothills of the great Sierras.

Yesterday was my second interview with Inyo County, for a position as a therapist doing in-home services with youth.  I anticipate the job will be challenging, in that good, healthy growth sort of way.  If I'm offered the position, I'll be leaving my wonderful Ventura county, to a place I have wanted to move to for many years.  While traveling in Italy after undergrad, I looked for jobs but was unsuccessful.  And I've occasionally perused job listings in the area ever since.  I'm drawn to Inyo County for numerous reasons, and some of them fall into the range of the unexplainable.

So uncertainty rests on my mind.  But there's a calm comfort somewhere in there.  A sense of returning to a home I have never known.  

Soundtrack: Andrew Bird, "Tenuousness"